It has all my thoughts in that little book and I have just realized that for the past three nights I cant stop crying.

Here is one day around 5:03 am

I cant sleep, I'm going through my head what I could lof done better in my life and where I would be now. I'm also thinking about all the ex boyfriends I have had. Jordan was the best there was so far and that was 5 years ago and in high school. There was also Jess, my first real sexual partner and lover. He had alot of issues but so did I. Finally there was my last ex Jeremy, the one guy that I should of never been with. He changed my life forever, left a scar that will never heal. I cant really say now that I learned something from that or if it was for the better or worse. You know the reason why I cry is because the only things that make me happy is my video games and my cat. My life has nothing to it other than those objects, plus family and friends. I'm just saying that those objects are the only things that keep me at least a little happy.

I wish Bryan was here. Ever since he has died I took different turns in life. I can say offically that my life has build up to sucking. I still dont understand why I'm still here. Why I keep fighting. It doesnt make since to me anymore. I look at my sister and brother at times and see how they have so much. Josh is touring in a band. Thats his liftime dream. Liz is cutting hair, and that her dream job. To be honest I'm still not sure what to do with my life. I have thought of things, but nothing I really drive for.

Its almost 5:30 am and I'm still not sleepy. What is wrong with me? How come I cant just be me. The Steph I was in high school. When I was in a band and had fun without all the trouble I get myself into. I never play bass anymore because I think of Bryan. I sold my first bass for gas money because i have been jobless for 2 months.