It has all my thoughts in that little book and I have just realized that for the past three nights I cant stop crying.

Here is one day around 5:03 am

I cant sleep, I'm going through my head what I could lof done better in my life and where I would be now. I'm also thinking about all the ex boyfriends I have had. Jordan was the best there was so far and that was 5 years ago and in high school. There was also Jess, my first real sexual partner and lover. He had alot of issues but so did I. Finally there was my last ex Jeremy, the one guy that I should of never been with. He changed my life forever, left a scar that will never heal. I cant really say now that I learned something from that or if it was for the better or worse. You know the reason why I cry is because the only things that make me happy is my video games and my cat. My life has nothing to it other than those objects, plus family and friends. I'm just saying that those objects are the only things that keep me at least a little happy.

I wish Bryan was here. Ever since he has died I took different turns in life. I can say offically that my life has build up to sucking. I still dont understand why I'm still here. Why I keep fighting. It doesnt make since to me anymore. I look at my sister and brother at times and see how they have so much. Josh is touring in a band. Thats his liftime dream. Liz is cutting hair, and that her dream job. To be honest I'm still not sure what to do with my life. I have thought of things, but nothing I really drive for.

Its almost 5:30 am and I'm still not sleepy. What is wrong with me? How come I cant just be me. The Steph I was in high school. When I was in a band and had fun without all the trouble I get myself into. I never play bass anymore because I think of Bryan. I sold my first bass for gas money because i have been jobless for 2 months.

Wow got back from buffalo wild wings. We had the most amazing server. She was so funny, but i think it was because she was on some strong medication from her last doctors appointment which she told us all about and sat down with us at the table.

Update on car though. Getting the new engine ordered and it has 36,000 miles on it. Yay!!! So a brand new spanking car. Other news, Im reading Terry Goodkind books. They are wonderful.

Down side to things, is that I got two tickets the other day. Going to court on the 24th. Im not sure where Im going with this journal. XD

Just need some direction in my life and get things back to where they were when i was happy.

Well, i drove through a pretty good sized puddle and now my cars motor is fucked. Its not going to start. Trust me i did have mechanics look at it, and they say my engine is locked up.

i really hate this. I was jobless for 2 months and now i have a job at applebees my car gets water inside the engine. I have no money to buy a new car and even if my insurence helps me out with fixing my car it will cost at least 5,0000 all together with the new engine and the labor of putting it in. maybe even a little more.

GAY!!!

Update:

Life sucks.

She watched him run out. "He is going out there like that?" she said looking out the window. The cold air that rushed in the cabin made her jump. "I hate the cold." She ruffled up her hair and pulled it up into a bun. She couldnt see where he went, but she kept her eyes fixed outside.
<wizardsfirstrulefan> He was only out there for about thirty seconds, but he carried in a pile of wood, soaking wet. "All better," he said, piling the logs next to the hearth, dropping another log in the fire.
<XREDSKIESX> "That was fast." she said looking at him. "So you just go out there with no shirt?" she said looking at him piling on the logs. She knelt down and placed her hands near the fire.
<wizardsfirstrulefan> "Yeah, pretty much," he said honestly, grabbing the towel again, sitting on the couch. "Its better in the summer," he said, grinning. "In the winter I just pale every time I go outside."
<XREDSKIESX> "I dont like the winter. Im more into the heat. As long as I am warm and happy. Then im good." she stands up and sits down on the couch. "I bet its really peacful here."
<wizardsfirstrulefan> "It's really quiet," he said, shrugging. He sometimes didn't mind the quiet but it got really lonely sometimes when he thought about it.
<XREDSKIESX> "Have you ever thought of getting a roomate? or a pet?" she asked looking at him tend to the fire. She grabbed a blanket agian and wrapped her whold body in it.
<wizardsfirstrulefan> "There's no one really around here..." he said, leaning back, looking at her over at the other end of the couch. He was all the pet he really needed.
<XREDSKIESX> "I guess so, but i would get so bored with noone else around." she turned her blanket covered body towards his. "So..." her mind went blank and she wasnt even sleepy.
<XREDSKIESX>ill be back..)
<wizardsfirstrulefan> "Soo...?" he asked, looking at her. She was a rather pretty girl, and he felt a little self conscious. This is not where he imagined himself to be.

What Mythological Creature Are You?

Taken from ~EdwardMarks
Centaur:
[] You are rather wild, and let your instincts run you.
[x] You get drunk a lot.
[x] Bravery and boldness is second nature to you.
[ ] You have a deep love for astronomy and the universe.
[x] You like to read your daily horoscope.
[ ] You have a high level of pride in yourself.
[x] In the woods is the best place for you to be. (Best place to reflect.)
[x] You are spiritual.
[] The horse is one of your favorite animal.
[] You are possessive and territorial.
Total:5

Elf:

[] Your ears are slightly pointed at the tips (be honest!).
[ ] You are very intelligent.
[x] Your five senses are extremely keen. (especially hearing.)
[] Your weight is quite a bit lighter than the average person at your particular height.
[x] You always wear elegant clothes and speak as politely as possible.
[x] You are most at peace when you are gazing at something beautiful, like nature.
[] You look very young for your age. (baby face.)
[x] You rarely get sick.
[x] You are a very hard worker.
[x] Above all other superpowers, you would love to read minds or see the future.
Total: 6

Fairy:
[x] You are happy a lot of the time.
[ ] The best superpower to you would be to fly.
[x] You are very shy. (depends.)
[x] You love the forest and plant life in general.
[x] You are always willing to help others, even if you might not be the best to offer aid.
[ ] You are young and short.
[ ] Dancing is one of your favorite pastimes.
[] If someone ticks you off, you are very clever with getting them back.
[] Your clothing isn't always presentable, but you are comfortable with what you wear.
[] Circles are a wonderful symbol of unity to you.
Total: 4

Gnome/Dwarf:
[x] You are excellent with crafts and handiwork.
[] In social situations, you tend to be a little awkward.
[x] You are short for your age.
[ ] You are an isolationist.
[x] You love to play practical jokes on people.
[ ] You are extremely fascinated with jewelry.
[x] You look older than your age.
[x] You love the woods and the mountains.
[x] You are well off, or come from a family that is well off.
[] You have a short temper.
Total: 6

Harpy/Siren:
[x] You are best at talking bad about people behind their backs and not to their face.
[] When you are annoyed, you will go to a great extent to torment whoever did so to you.
[ ] You often take things that aren't yours.
[] You are easily angered.
[x] Death fascinates you. )
[x] You are female, or a feminine-looking man.
[] You associate yourself with the wind element.
[x] You can switch quickly between your light and dark side.
[x] You love to trick others.
[] You have a ravenous appetite.
Total: 5

Mermaid:
[x] You love the beach more so because of the water than the shore itself.
[] Fish are some of the most beautiful creatures to you.
[x] The ultimate superpower to you would be to breathe underwater.
[] You enjoy looking at ships, but not riding them, as well as you like ships for traveling, not hunting in the sea.
[x] You are good at swimming.
[] You like to collect shells.
[ ] You use sea items as jewelry or decoration.
[x] You enjoy learning about the ocean and the life inside it.
[x] You are extremely against ocean pollution, and someday, perhaps, you will work to stop that. (
[] Legs on land are not as important as a fin in the sea.
Total: 5

Vampire:
[x] You're a night person.
[] You have a fascination with blood.
[x] You are pale. (for an Asian)
[] You wish you had a bat as a pet.
[x] You are not religious at all.
[x] Tight spaces are not scary or uncomfortable for you.
[] The sun's glare annoys you all too often.
[] You hate food with lots of garlic in it.
[x] To you, a kiss on the neck is more romantic than a kiss on the cheek or lips.
[ ] You don't like sharp objects near you.
Total: 5

Werewolf:
[x] The full moon is the most beautiful scene to you.
[ ] You have a lot of body hair.
[ ] The ability to shapeshift is the best superpower to you.
[] You prefer gold over silver items.
[x] You lack self control.
[x] You find it easier to have sympathy for animals than for humans.
[x] You have a deep respect for wolves and wild dogs.
[x] You like to be alone.
[ ] You have a terrible secret and you only tell people you trust 100% about it.
[x] You'd rather be outdoors than indoors.
Total: 6

Wizard/Witch:
[x] You love chemistry.
[] You are intuitive and good at analyzing people, to the point that people seriously or jokingly say you're psychic.
[x] The most amazing supernatural power to you is controlling the elements.
[x] You are a nature lover.
[x] You have a strong sense of responsibility.
[x] You spent a lot of time alone.
[x] You usually hang around with a certain animal all the time when you feel lonely.
[x] You are spiritual, but not necessarily religious.
[x] Cooking is one of your favorite things to do.
[x] You enjoy learning about Wicca and the occult.
Total: 9

Zombie:
[x] You are pale.
[] You are hungry a lot.
[ ] Many activities you do every day make you feel mindless, or like a drone.
[x] Most of the time you or a part of you is Cold.
[x] You love to eat meat.
[x] You would resort to cannibalism if that was the only source of food.
[] You make grunts and moans a lot.
[] You enjoy learning about psychology because you study the brain.
[x] You usually walk slow.
[] You are not afraid of seeing a lot of blood or getting a lot of blood on yourself.
Total: 5